Funny Quotes · Page 716

It's pitch, sex is. Once you touch it, it clings to you.

— Margery Allingham

I sure hope you're staying alive for the upcoming Dodgers series.

— Jerry Coleman

We don’t attach to things; we attach to our stories about them.

— Byron Katie

Maybe pretty women were always funny but only now decided to go into comedy,

— Patricia Marx

It’s not about the amount of time you devote but rather what you devote to that time that counts.

— Neil Patel

Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends.

— Enhance Dreams

Great little One! whose all-embracing birth Lifts Earth to Heaven, stoops Heaven to Earth.

— Richard Crashaw

I have a mind like a steel trap. Stuff gets in there and WHAM! it never gets back out again.

— Bill Austin

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

— Groucho Marx

There is a cliche that probably has some anecdotal evidence on the side that comedians are very depressed people, but that's because…

— Robert Klein

Before you insult somebody you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you insult them you'll be a mile…

— Anonymous

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that…

— Jeff Ross

The awkward moment you think your clever enough to turn the volume up by the button on the side of the telly…

— Holly Fitzgerald

The Americans, who are the most efficient people on the earth, have carried [phrase-making] to such a height of perfection and have…

— W. Somerset Maugham

When I create a story, I can make it however funny, sad, or happy I want it to be. And when I…

— Marley Dias

When I was a kid Pussy meant a Cat,Sex meant Gender,Bitch was a female dog, Dick was a name of a cartoon…

— Aashi

You could be adding gasoline to a roaring fire. We understand that. But this is who we are.

— Brett Brown

Left home without jacket just like playing Counter Strike without kevlar

— RK26

Joan Rivers turned into one of the people she used to make fun of.

— Nikhil Saluja

I can play in the center, on the right and occasionally on the left side.

— David Beckham

In my version of volleyball I use my legs and also don't play volleyball.

— Nikhil Saluja

Each one is all in all to himself; for being dead, all is dead to him.

— Blaise Pascal

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

— Demetri Martin

Apostles of Freedom are ever idolised when dead, but crucified when alive.

— James Connolly

I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.

— Charles Barkley

The ancients knew something, which we seem to have forgotten.

— Albert Einstein

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

— Anonymous

You can't throw away years of your life because it makes a funny anecdote.

— David Nicholls

Don Quixote — I read that every year, as some do the Bible.

— William Faulkner

You know when the bags of chips say NEW! BIGGER SIZE! they really mean more air in the bag.

— Alexandra-Herrera

The only friends I have are the dead who have bequethed their writings to me--I have no others.

— Thomas Bernhard

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!

— Eddie Murphy

Like the watermen who advance forward while they look backward.

— Michel de Montaigne

“I'm tired, I'm hungry and I have a head in a bag," I warned him. "Do not fuck with me.”

— Karen Chance

Many things can make you rich, but only a few things can enrich you.

— Robert G. Allen

Why do I always have nonstop sneezes in the wrong place at the wrong time..? WHY????

— Sachithra

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

— Chelsea Handler

Christmas: The only time of the year in which one can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out…

— Rick Sutter

Normal Person Flirting: Hey, baby what's going on? Me Flirting: Your face. I like that.

— Anonymous

I love making friends. I usually prefer to make them out of plaster and give them funny looking hats.

— Anonymous