You there, Friday! Come here you S.E.X.Y son of a B.T.C.H. We've been looking for you since monday. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I hate funerals and would not attend my own if it could be avoided — Robert Tappan Morris Copy Share Image
If u r stressed, you'll get pimples.. if u cry,u'll get wrinkles.. So, y don't u smile & get dimples? — A Josland Copy Share Image
My favorite part of the heat wave is watching tourists deeply regret their decision to come here. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I mean emotionally, women are like Bruce Lee and we’re like Donald Duck. An’ I think a lotta guys are afraid of… — Jonathan Ashworth Copy Share Image
A lot of stand-up comedians are actually very insecure, and they come on slightly battling the audience. They want to be the… — Stephen Merchant Copy Share Image
The Midwest breeds funny, eccentric people, to varying degrees. You play shows not because you're expecting to get a record deal, but… — Patrick Carney Copy Share Image
“When you're running a bureaucracy the best way to safeguard your job is to make sure you're the only one who knows… — Dave Sim Copy Share Image
“Merrick and I had both had tattoos, my magpie and his elephant and castle, imposed on us as…it’s a long story. A… — KJ Charles Copy Share Image
“Alex?” I told him yes. “You’re my translator, right?” I asked him to be slow, because I could not understand him. In… — Jonathan Safran Foer Copy Share Image
God has created us to love and to be loved, and this is the beginning of prayer-to know that He loves me,… — Mother Teresa Copy Share Image
You can't say happiness without saying Ha, penis. I JUST DIED! Why do I find stupid things like this so funny??Oh Tumblr.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It is really a puzzle what drives one to take one's work so devilishly seriously. — Albert Einstein Copy Share Image
Lost time is like a run in a stocking. It always gets worse. — Anne Morrow Lindbergh Copy Share Image
Joan Collins unfortunately can't be with us tonight. She's busy attending the birth of her next husband. — John Parrott Copy Share Image
Knowledge that takes you, not beyond yourself is far worse than ignorance. — Elif Safak Copy Share Image
Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm. — Frank Dane Copy Share Image
When we lavish our money we rob our heir; when we merely save it we rob ourselves. — Jean de la Bruyere Copy Share Image
Do you know what it's like going through life being better than everybody? It's hard. — CM Punk Copy Share Image
Democracy is an awful way to run a country, but it's the best system we have. — Winston Churchill Copy Share Image
I like being a funny lady. I think there's nothing sexier than a funny lady. — Maya Rudolph Copy Share Image
The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to. — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried...but they wanted cash. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You might not think that's cricket, and it's not, it's motor racing. — Murray Walker Copy Share Image
I have spent most of my life worrying about things that have never happened. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt — Shubham Joshi Copy Share Image
If grace acts in us, grace, and not we who do the work, but will be crowned. — John Calvin Copy Share Image
When you stop looking for something, you see it right in front of you. — Eleanor Coppola Copy Share Image
Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. — Joe Theismann Copy Share Image
Winning BET Awards is the equivalent of getting cards with no money in them. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Most stress is caused by three things; family, money and family with no money. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Boys don’t gossip.” “Pah! You don’t know us as well as you think.” This was a disturbing prospect.” — Jennifer Echols Copy Share Image
All I ever wanted was to make scrilla / Have a recording session with J Dilla. — Rick Ross Copy Share Image
