When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Someone said to me at a party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I think your tendency when you play yourself is to accentuate something about you that you think is the funny thing about… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No...… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I listened to this interview once with Jerry Seinfeld that really influenced my comedy and all of my writing, which is that… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife.… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
You get to the end of something, you're laughing, you're like, 'That's funny, and that's funny,' and then you get to the… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!"… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal' and I… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
My writing process is very feedback-based. When I do stand-up, I listen to the audience. I try to understand what's connecting, what's not connecting,… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I've actually always wanted to write like a one-person show that was sort of a romantic comedy - a show that was kind of… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
It's interesting how sleepwalking in a certain way becomes an accumulation of your outside stimuli that's actually there and what's happening in your brain. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Once you start writing something obsessively, it's almost like someone has to rip it from your hands in order for you to put it… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
When I met my wife, I was a working comic, so the first week we went out, she saw me perform, and it was… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
I think because I've been working in front of audiences for so many years, I'm able to take in the input, good or bad,… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Directing your first film is like showing up to the field trip in seventh grade, getting on the bus, and making an announcement, 'So… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
