I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently? — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
I used to go to open mics in New York when I was starting out, and it was mostly just people who wanted an… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
I don't enjoy reality television at all. I have to say that I get it, though. I watch some of it, and I understand… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
You go from nobody looking at you to people taking second looks. I remember really loving it - and then feeling so guilty for… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
