New Rule: I don't give two fingleberries and a McShit-all that Dumbledore is gay. I never wanted to know who Dumbledore was… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Religions are maintained by people. People who can't get laid, because sex is the first great earthly pleasure. But if you can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I doubt anything will really come of this lawsuit. First of all, it's a lawsuit. It involves a subpoena. And try to… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The First Amendment was specifically designed for citizens to insult politicians. Libel laws were written to protect law students speaking out on… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
F. Scott Fitzgerald has an indespensible quote: 'The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
We've created over 200,000 jobs every month this year. Hasn't happened in 17 years. I guess my first question is, when do… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Republicans have become the party of red, white and blue rose colored glasses. By drowning out criticism with USA! USA!, they prevent… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't know if anybody from my tribe of atheists ever thanked [Barack Obama] for giving us a shout-out at your first… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You can't deny that religion has done some good. It organizes lots of anti-poverty programs and soup kitchens and missionary work. But… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I'll clue you in on a secret: death is not the worst thing that could happen to you. I know we think… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Americans are finally coming to a point where they're accepting of religious criticism, is because George Bush is the first president who… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
For the first time since 1979, we are talking to the Islamic Republic of Iran. Obama says talking to him is probably… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
First they didn't believe in evolution. Then they didn't believe in global warming. Now the debt ceiling. What I call 'the moron… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The worst years of my life were the first two years I was doing standup. You're learning how to do, and you're… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
