Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Truthiness is "What I say is right, and [nothing] anyone else says could possibly be true." It's not only that I feel… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We are divided between those who think with their heads and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If you… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I gut check my show. I say, I say, "Gut, gut, does that feel true to you?" And Gut says, "Yes it… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
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