If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
How do you react when you think you need people's love? Do you become a slave for their approval? — Byron Katie Copy Share Image
You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Healing opportunities can be disguised as people who really piss you off. Pay attention because they could be your greatest teachers. — Gabrielle Bernstein Copy Share Image
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Think of fear as a 2-year-old child who doesn't want to go grocery shopping with you. Because you must buy groceries, you'll… — Jack Canfield Copy Share Image
Your vision is not limited by what your eye can see, but by what your mind can imagine. — Ellison Onizuka Copy Share Image
You know what ? Certain people think they will feel good if certain things happen The trick is : you have to… — Richard Bandler Copy Share Image
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it.… — Jack Handy Copy Share Image
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Never look for a good face, it will turn old one day. Never look for a good skin, it will wrinkle one… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I dropped my juggling balls and my face grew embarrassed. It wasn't until then that I looked around the circus of life… — Stefanie Schneider Copy Share Image
“How is it that Asians and Westerners can look at the same classroom interactions and one group will label it class participation… — Susan Cain Copy Share Image
Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
