I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Power is only vouchsafed to the man who dares to stoop and pick it up. There is only one thing, one thing… — Fyodor Dostoevsky Copy Share Image
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Extroverts are energized by social interaction. I'm often exhausted by it. I am someone who needs personal time for deep thought and… — Ritchie Torres Copy Share Image
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Exactly!" said Deep Thought. "So once you do know what the question actually is, you'll know what the answer means. — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under"… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
There are two types of poor people, those who are poor together and those who are poor alone. The first are the… — Jean-Paul Sartre Copy Share Image
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
After a lifetime of deep thought, I've decided that life is a distraction, but probably not from anything important. — Robert Breault Copy Share Image
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Not all thinking and all emotion are of the ego. They turn into ego only when you identify with them and they… — Eckhart Tolle Copy Share Image
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“I account him no common, shallow being, inasmuch as it is an undisputed fact that he is never found on soundings, or… — Herman Melville Copy Share Image
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
