“I have three sets of humor. One I keep in a bag of salt, because it’s the dry one. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You know what’s not funny? Funny bones. No, at best they are only mildly amusing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are levels of humor. The level above mine is invisible and inaudible.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a stand up guy. Especially when compared to someone sitting down.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Vigalig the Destroyer. Except during the day, and then I am Gigalig the Giggler.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are many ways to kill someone. I prefer laughter, and doing it slowly, over the course of 70 years or so.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not a joke if it’s not entirely clear. But most jokes play off of ambiguity and sudden juxtaposition, so a joke… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll steal bodies, not to be Corporal Corpse, but to have access to a never-ending supply of laughter still left over in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dr. Chuck “Chuckles” Gigglebrooks, lead researcher at the National Association of Laughter Studies, had this conclusion to draw about why people laugh:… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people use laughter as a weapon. It's all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I only need to write about 3,000 one-liners a day to produce a million jokes a year. Simple. I’ll just get started… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If we’re friends, I’m only the funniest guy you know because you don’t know John Cleese. Or Steve Martin. Or Jack Handey. Or,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Something can be humorous without being funny. The difference is when it’s humorous, a person says, “That’s funny,” and when it’s funny,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went through and underlined all the funny lines in his book, and by the time I was done, I had underlined… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wanted to write something that made no linear sense. None. Zero. Something that was 87% pure nonsense, 12% pure alcohol, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If laughter came in paste format you could squeeze out of a tube, I’ll bet nine out of ten dentists would recommend… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made a joke today, and I made it out of pennies. It was a very poor joke.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Abstain from reading comedy or other government economic statistics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“All I could do was laugh, but it wasn’t funny. I find it incredibly sad to be tickled by an orphan.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t use coarse humor, but occasionally I’ll joke about intercourse—between midget siblings.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke—tell different people.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to invent a Laughometer, a device to measure and gauge humor, which would be used for comedians. And politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I take humor very seriously. I also take it three times a day, with meals.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think ethnic jokes are hilarious, all sorts of ethnic jokes. White, black, Mexican, midget. Maybe midgets are not an ethnicity, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
