Steven Wright

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

— Steven Wright

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

— Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

— Steven Wright

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

— Steven Wright

Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

— Steven Wright

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

— Steven Wright

“If heat rises, heaven must be hotter than hell.”

— Steven Wright

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

— Steven Wright

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

— Steven Wright

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was.…

— Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

— Steven Wright

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park…

— Steven Wright

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

— Steven Wright

Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal,…

— Steven Wright

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and…

— Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

— Steven Wright

“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I didn’t have that much time.”

— Steven Wright

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

— Steven Wright

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

— Steven Wright

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

— Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

— Steven Wright

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

— Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

— Steven Wright

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

— Steven Wright

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

— Steven Wright

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

— Steven Wright

My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.

— Steven Wright

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

— Steven Wright

43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

— Steven Wright

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it

— Steven Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough.

— Steven Wright

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

— Steven Wright

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

— Steven Wright

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

— Steven Wright

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

— Steven Wright

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

— Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

— Steven Wright

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

— Steven Wright

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

— Steven Wright

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

— Steven Wright