Steven Wright

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

— Steven Wright

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

— Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

— Steven Wright

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

— Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

— Steven Wright

“If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”

— Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

— Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

— Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

— Steven Wright

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while…

— Steven Wright

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow…

— Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

— Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

— Steven Wright

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

— Steven Wright

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

— Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

— Steven Wright

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.

— Steven Wright

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

— Steven Wright

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

— Steven Wright

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

— Steven Wright

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

— Steven Wright

“When i have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall…

— Steven Wright

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he…

— Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

— Steven Wright

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and…

— Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

— Steven Wright

I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're…

— Steven Wright

It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

— Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves reakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

— Steven Wright

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

— Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

— Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

— Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

— Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

— Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never,…

— Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an…

— Steven Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

— Steven Wright

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he…

— Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

— Steven Wright

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice…

— Steven Wright