Rodney Dangerfield

I can't get no respect.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

— Rodney Dangerfield

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

— Rodney Dangerfield

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

— Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet

— Rodney Dangerfield

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin'…

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

— Rodney Dangerfield

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine,…

— Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could…

— Rodney Dangerfield

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back,…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me…

— Rodney Dangerfield

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a…

— Rodney Dangerfield

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

— Rodney Dangerfield

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

— Rodney Dangerfield

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

— Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

— Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

— Rodney Dangerfield