The average Americans day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charless dart board. — Dennis Miller Funny Copy Share Image
Any time your parent says they party with you, that is its own form of child abuse. — Dennis Miller Abuse Copy Share Image
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. — Dennis Miller Child Copy Share Image
I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks... IN A STARBUCKS!!! — Dennis Miller Coffee Copy Share Image
Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh? — Dennis Miller Abortion Copy Share Image
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than… — Dennis Miller Abortion Copy Share Image
I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust… — Dennis Miller Comedian Copy Share Image
The Nazi signs have got to stop. If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Martha Stewart denied allegations that she had been given inside information to sell 4,000 shares of a stock in a biotech firm.… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
The Democrats continue to snipe at Bush. They'll never give it up to him. You know Teddy Kennedy and Tom Daschle pick… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he… — Dennis Miller Country Copy Share Image
The White House again refused to turn over discussions Vice President Cheney had with Enron officials over energy policy. Cheney said if… — Dennis Miller Climate Copy Share Image
The man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger. — Dennis Miller Auto mechanic Copy Share Image
Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the… — Dennis Miller Comedian Copy Share Image
If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, 'Hey,… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from… — Dennis Miller Alaska Copy Share Image
It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark. — Dennis Miller Dark Copy Share Image
To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
I like the show [Factor] because it's horny, but it's not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays? — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. — Dennis Miller America Copy Share Image
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick. — Dennis Miller Bombs Copy Share Image
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. — Dennis Miller Cop Copy Share Image
Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much… — Dennis Miller Apathy Copy Share Image
I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Jerry Falwell says that abortion and homosexuality are sins. Oh yeah? Well, so is gluttony, Jerry. So maybe you should think about… — Dennis Miller Abortion Copy Share Image
The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the… — Dennis Miller Enemy Copy Share Image
Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this." — Dennis Miller Humans Copy Share Image
Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program. — Dennis Miller Democracy Copy Share Image
If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children! — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet. — Dennis Miller Alphabet Copy Share Image
![“I like the show [Factor] because it's horny, but it's not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays?” quote by Dennis Miller](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/2ee/dennis-miller-1315_factors_i-like-the-show-factor-because-it-s-horn_232788.png)
