Dana Gould

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for…

— Dana Gould

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

— Dana Gould

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

— Dana Gould

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

— Dana Gould

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

— Dana Gould

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

— Dana Gould

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

— Dana Gould

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

— Dana Gould

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around…

— Dana Gould

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and…

— Dana Gould

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth…

— Dana Gould

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

— Dana Gould

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They…

— Dana Gould

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House…

— Dana Gould

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get…

— Dana Gould

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made…

— Dana Gould

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

— Dana Gould

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

— Dana Gould

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

— Dana Gould

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

— Dana Gould

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

— Dana Gould

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

— Dana Gould

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

— Dana Gould

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

— Dana Gould

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from…

— Dana Gould

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

— Dana Gould

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

— Dana Gould

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

— Dana Gould

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

— Dana Gould

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

— Dana Gould

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

— Dana Gould

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

— Dana Gould

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

— Dana Gould

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

— Dana Gould

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

— Dana Gould

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

— Dana Gould

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

— Dana Gould

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

— Dana Gould

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

— Dana Gould

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

— Dana Gould