Dana Gould

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

— Dana Gould

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

— Dana Gould

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of…

— Dana Gould

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

— Dana Gould

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

— Dana Gould

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

— Dana Gould

A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.

— Dana Gould

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

— Dana Gould

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears.…

— Dana Gould

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

— Dana Gould

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come…

— Dana Gould

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in…

— Dana Gould

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made…

— Dana Gould

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person…

— Dana Gould

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

— Dana Gould

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is…

— Dana Gould

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

— Dana Gould

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

— Dana Gould

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

— Dana Gould

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

— Dana Gould

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

— Dana Gould

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

— Dana Gould

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

— Dana Gould

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

— Dana Gould

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

— Dana Gould

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

— Dana Gould

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

— Dana Gould

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

— Dana Gould

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

— Dana Gould

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

— Dana Gould

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

— Dana Gould

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

— Dana Gould

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

— Dana Gould

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

— Dana Gould

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

— Dana Gould

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

— Dana Gould

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

— Dana Gould

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

— Dana Gould

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

— Dana Gould

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

— Dana Gould