A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse. — Dana Gould Florida Copy Share Image
A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave. — Dana Gould Experience Copy Share Image
Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author. — Dana Gould Angry Copy Share Image
Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look...… — Dana Gould Friendship Copy Share Image
Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill! — Dana Gould Belief Copy Share Image
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call. — Dana Gould Bluetooth Copy Share Image
If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big… — Dana Gould After death Copy Share Image
I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department… — Dana Gould Adults Copy Share Image
Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to… — Dana Gould Great times Copy Share Image
My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern… — Dana Gould Bored Copy Share Image
There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation. — Dana Gould Abbreviations Copy Share Image
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor? — Dana Gould Bachelor Copy Share Image
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again. — Dana Gould Circles Copy Share Image
A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend. — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers. — Dana Gould Cry Copy Share Image
