I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech. — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag. — Dana Gould Douchebags Copy Share Image
Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea. — Dana Gould Comedy Copy Share Image
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with… — Dana Gould Christmas Copy Share Image
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House… — Dana Gould Country Copy Share Image
Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes… — Dana Gould Beauty Copy Share Image
I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to… — Dana Gould Best way Copy Share Image
If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the… — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and… — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us? — Dana Gould Aliens Copy Share Image
New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex! — Dana Gould Family Copy Share Image
The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop… — Dana Gould Aging Copy Share Image
A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife. — Dana Gould Communication Copy Share Image
It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive. — Dana Gould Alive Copy Share Image
Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go? — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare. — Dana Gould Boners Copy Share Image
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for… — Dana Gould Circus Copy Share Image
One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning. — Dana Gould Computers Copy Share Image
What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason. — Dana Gould Anger Copy Share Image
If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice. — Dana Gould Customer Copy Share Image
My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere. — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper. — Dana Gould Age Copy Share Image
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry? — Dana Gould Angry Copy Share Image
Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding. — Dana Gould Comedy Copy Share Image
Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety. — Dana Gould Anxiety Copy Share Image
