Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always… — Dana Gould Altars Copy Share Image
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their… — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes. — Dana Gould Bright side Copy Share Image
Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream. — Dana Gould Cry Copy Share Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is… — Dana Gould Emotion Copy Share Image
A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person… — Dana Gould Comedian Copy Share Image
Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a… — Dana Gould Christmas Copy Share Image
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it. — Dana Gould Argument Copy Share Image
Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear… — Dana Gould Fashion Copy Share Image
Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did. — Dana Gould Generation Copy Share Image
One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs. — Dana Gould Boobs Copy Share Image
When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns. — Dana Gould Clown Copy Share Image
When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine,… — Dana Gould Fun Copy Share Image
Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go… — Dana Gould Being old Copy Share Image
Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope… — Dana Gould Auditions Copy Share Image
If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying… — Dana Gould Abortion Copy Share Image
What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would… — Dana Gould Farmers Copy Share Image
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger… — Dana Gould Bad guy Copy Share Image
Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all… — Dana Gould America Copy Share Image
I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
