Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Brain Copy Share Image
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants. — Dana Gould Comedy Copy Share Image
For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty… — Dana Gould Costumes Copy Share Image
What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And… — Dana Gould Caves Copy Share Image
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three… — Dana Gould Children Copy Share Image
Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones. — Dana Gould Bird Copy Share Image
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time… — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no… — Dana Gould Approach Copy Share Image
Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism! — Dana Gould Emotional Copy Share Image
As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was… — Dana Gould Climate Copy Share Image
In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description. — Dana Gould Crime Copy Share Image
I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've… — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul.… — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
