Chelsea Handler

I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.

— Chelsea Handler

You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.

— Chelsea Handler

If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.

— Chelsea Handler

It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me.

— Chelsea Handler

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a…

— Chelsea Handler

Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl

— Chelsea Handler

“There's nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you're not eating.”

— Chelsea Handler

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

— Chelsea Handler

David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he…

— Chelsea Handler

Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly…

— Chelsea Handler

“There’s a difference between being a class act and being classy. Peeing off the side of a jeep doesn’t mean you’re not…

— Chelsea Handler

I don't like people who drink decaf coffee it's like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That's like…

— Chelsea Handler

Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her…

— Chelsea Handler

I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby…

— Chelsea Handler

People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I…

— Chelsea Handler

I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to…

— Chelsea Handler

“My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn't the type of mother who would make it…

— Chelsea Handler

Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's…

— Chelsea Handler

What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a…

— Chelsea Handler

I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can…

— Chelsea Handler

[Late-night host] is not really a job for a woman. You can't have kids and be a late-night host.I mean Samantha Bee…

— Chelsea Handler

I think when I envisioned my documentaries, what I wanted to do when I left, I had no business doing those documentaries.…

— Chelsea Handler

It's like being a stand-up comedian is what leads to being a talk-show host. That life is not cut out for a…

— Chelsea Handler

We're doing a bunch of shoots with kids about the election, about politics, about racism. I like to talk about heavy topics…

— Chelsea Handler

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

— Chelsea Handler

It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to…

— Chelsea Handler

I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.

— Chelsea Handler

ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

— Chelsea Handler

“I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four.”

— Chelsea Handler

Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.

— Chelsea Handler

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

— Chelsea Handler

“I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor.”

— Chelsea Handler

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

— Chelsea Handler

Men dont realize that if were sleeping with them on the first date, were probably not interested in seeing them again either.

— Chelsea Handler

I'm not going to blow up just for the sake of it, because it's on TV. That's not the issue.

— Chelsea Handler

You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want…

— Chelsea Handler

“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.”

— Chelsea Handler

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

— Chelsea Handler

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

— Chelsea Handler

“Now picture the suspenders attached to a pair of sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term “camel…

— Chelsea Handler