Chelsea Handler

“If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.”

— Chelsea Handler

I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters

— Chelsea Handler

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

— Chelsea Handler

You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.

— Chelsea Handler

I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're dealing with in your life.

— Chelsea Handler

I think it's important to be authentic to who you are, and if you're inauthentic at all, people smell that from a…

— Chelsea Handler

“The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.”

— Chelsea Handler

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

— Chelsea Handler

This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos…

— Chelsea Handler

“Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his…

— Chelsea Handler

“The great thing about rejection is that it doesn't matter how many times you get rejected. All that needs to happen is…

— Chelsea Handler

Being that frank and being that open, there's more praise than there is negativity. It's just the negativity gets printed because you're…

— Chelsea Handler

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put…

— Chelsea Handler

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them.…

— Chelsea Handler

“I had no involvement with any extracurricular activities at school, mostly because the one time I tried out for cheerleading I was…

— Chelsea Handler

First of all, who cares if people hate you? There's always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There's never any…

— Chelsea Handler

“We checked our bags and got on line with some of our fellow passengers. Judging from the looks of them, it was…

— Chelsea Handler

“A homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something I have a real…

— Chelsea Handler

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game,…

— Chelsea Handler

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If…

— Chelsea Handler

According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with…

— Chelsea Handler

I was so frivolous for so many years. It was so much fun, but you feel guilty about the brain energy you…

— Chelsea Handler

Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have…

— Chelsea Handler

“The problem with the suspenders my mother bought for him is that he hasn't adjusted the straps since he got them. So…

— Chelsea Handler

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

— Chelsea Handler

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

— Chelsea Handler

I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.

— Chelsea Handler

It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.

— Chelsea Handler

“How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?”

— Chelsea Handler

How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it.

— Chelsea Handler

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to…

— Chelsea Handler

“This was just the way I imagined myself around Nancy Grace--available, yet distant.”

— Chelsea Handler

[Gordon Ramsay] knows about being bullied, because look at the size of him.

— Chelsea Handler

You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.

— Chelsea Handler

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

— Chelsea Handler

If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.

— Chelsea Handler

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere…

— Chelsea Handler

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

— Chelsea Handler

I don't want to be Oprah [Winfrey], I'm not trying to be Barbara Walters, but we can all do better.

— Chelsea Handler

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

— Chelsea Handler