The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything. — Anthony Jeselnik Audience Copy Share Image
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything… — Anthony Jeselnik Baby Copy Share Image
I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll… — Anthony Jeselnik Football Copy Share Image
Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see… — Anthony Jeselnik Children Copy Share Image
I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them. — Anthony Jeselnik Country Copy Share Image
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep. — Anthony Jeselnik Brother Copy Share Image
Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to… — Anthony Jeselnik Afterlife Copy Share Image
Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is… — Anthony Jeselnik Audience Copy Share Image
In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking. — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke. — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim.… — Anthony Jeselnik Blind Copy Share Image
2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream. — Anthony Jeselnik Dream Copy Share Image
I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what… — Anthony Jeselnik Audience Copy Share Image
My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with… — Anthony Jeselnik Beer Copy Share Image
Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about… — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else,… — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they… — Anthony Jeselnik Attention Copy Share Image
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I… — Anthony Jeselnik Class Copy Share Image
I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just… — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands. — Anthony Jeselnik Assault Copy Share Image
I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration. — Anthony Jeselnik Audience Copy Share Image
I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a… — Anthony Jeselnik Baby Copy Share Image
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified. — Anthony Jeselnik Buddha Copy Share Image
You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them. — Anthony Jeselnik Creepy Copy Share Image
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny. — Anthony Jeselnik Comedian Copy Share Image
It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents. — Anthony Jeselnik Grandparent Copy Share Image
There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
![“Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.” quote by Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/a07/anthony-jeselnik-1838_attention_silence-means-they-the-audience-are-payi_2096332.png)
