I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up. — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14. — Anthony Jeselnik Girlfriend Copy Share Image
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let… — Anthony Jeselnik Doctor Copy Share Image
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat… — Anthony Jeselnik Ants Copy Share Image
I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time. — Anthony Jeselnik Dad Copy Share Image
Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke. — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling… — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you… — Anthony Jeselnik Fire Copy Share Image
I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie,… — Anthony Jeselnik Cancer Copy Share Image
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony,… — Anthony Jeselnik Couple Copy Share Image
We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates… — Anthony Jeselnik Bulimic Copy Share Image
I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes.… — Anthony Jeselnik Comedian Copy Share Image
I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say. — Anthony Jeselnik Comedian Copy Share Image
I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up. — Anthony Jeselnik Acting Copy Share Image
I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop. — Anthony Jeselnik Candle Copy Share Image
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst. — Anthony Jeselnik People Copy Share Image
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend. — Anthony Jeselnik Being a better person Copy Share Image
I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them… — Anthony Jeselnik Brilliant Copy Share Image
I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone… — Anthony Jeselnik Dark Copy Share Image
The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to… — Anthony Jeselnik Authority Copy Share Image
My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
