What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names. — Anthony Jeselnik Friend Copy Share Image
I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids. — Anthony Jeselnik Children Copy Share Image
You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry. — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it. — Anthony Jeselnik Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of… — Anthony Jeselnik Albums Copy Share Image
When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a… — Anthony Jeselnik Being funny Copy Share Image
My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want… — Anthony Jeselnik Goal Copy Share Image
Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be… — Anthony Jeselnik Belief Copy Share Image
I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside… — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks… — Anthony Jeselnik Being nice Copy Share Image
My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy… — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be… — Anthony Jeselnik Attention Copy Share Image
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and… — Anthony Jeselnik Beginnings and ends Copy Share Image
My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off. — Anthony Jeselnik Jokes Copy Share Image
I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome. — Anthony Jeselnik Alcohol Copy Share Image
Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ. — Anthony Jeselnik Christ Copy Share Image
I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it. — Anthony Jeselnik Baby Copy Share Image
I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally. — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death. — Anthony Jeselnik Death Copy Share Image
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it. — Anthony Jeselnik Baby Copy Share Image
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
