I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable. — Anthony Jeselnik Atheist Copy Share Image
My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her. — Anthony Jeselnik Family Copy Share Image
I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and… — Anthony Jeselnik Authority Copy Share Image
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player. — Anthony Jeselnik Gambling Copy Share Image
Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the… — Anthony Jeselnik Audience Copy Share Image
Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick… — Anthony Jeselnik Alive Copy Share Image
I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else… — Anthony Jeselnik Employee Copy Share Image
On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said… — Anthony Jeselnik Accidents Copy Share Image
I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way… — Anthony Jeselnik Care Copy Share Image
I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s… — Anthony Jeselnik Back to work Copy Share Image
I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky,… — Anthony Jeselnik Family Copy Share Image
That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation… — Anthony Jeselnik Always trying Copy Share Image
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of… — Anthony Jeselnik Dramatic Copy Share Image
Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when… — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I… — Anthony Jeselnik Care Copy Share Image
I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing… — Anthony Jeselnik Education Copy Share Image
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they… — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool. — Anthony Jeselnik Bird Copy Share Image
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one… — Anthony Jeselnik Accident Copy Share Image
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself. — Anthony Jeselnik Against death penalty Copy Share Image
I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a… — Anthony Jeselnik Attention Copy Share Image
![“Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.” quote by Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/065/anthony-jeselnik-1838_amy_amy-schumer-and-i-each-have-our-cross-to_1127581.png)
![“I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die.” quote by Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/f7a/anthony-jeselnik-1838_black_i-don-t-get-back-as-much-as-i-d-like-to_3099738.png)
![“I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.” quote by Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/ac1/anthony-jeselnik-1838_comedy_i-do-dark-humor-i-like-people-who-are-si_2637575.png)
