Witty Quotes · Page 35

“If time is money and you wasted my time, then give me back my money!”

— Ljupka Cvetanova

I just want someone to compliment my new underwear. Ugh, its so hard being a salesman in this day and age.

— Nikhil Saluja

Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

— Finley Peter Dunne

Tears running down my face like rain, who would have ever thought that love would come with so much pain.

— Nikhil Saluja

It is having in some measure a sort of wit to know how to use the wit of others.

— Stanisław I Leszczyński

Quickies...the best excuse for premature ejaculation ever.

— Nikhil Saluja

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

— Anonymous

Wit is often a mask. If you tear it you will find either genius irritated or cleverness juggling.

— Khalil Gibran

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an…

— Woody Allen

It hurts when someone with whom you wanna talk ignores you,but it hurts worst when you ignore that person because they are…

— Anonymous

Here's my idea for another one of those reality-based TV shows: No Survivors! One by one, a psychopathic serial killer tracks down…

— Nikhil Saluja

I make grown-folks music, and I'm cool with that. I accept that. I try to be witty while also delivering a message.

— Raheem DeVaughn

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my fav cake for me, and I learned that the little things…

— Nikhil Saluja

'White Teeth' has far too many characters, and its plot is tortured. But Smith has an astonishing intellect. She writes sharp dialogue…

— Jeff Giles

Wit and puns aren't just decor in the mind; they're essential signs that the mind knows it's on, recognizes its own software,…

— Adam Gopnik

If you say you're in a bad place, and everything is coming your way, then chances are you're a woman, and you're…

— Nikhil Saluja

Doctor: A person who kills your disease with pills and you with bills.

— Nikhil Saluja

I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.

— George Burns

“There was nothing like a stolen moment of happiness to remind you how much was missing.”

— Janus Lucky

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.

— Dave Barry

“They are fond of fun and therefore witty, wit being well-bred insolence.”

— Aristotle

Remorse presupposes enough self-forgetfulness to feel the pain ofothers.

— Helen Prejean

Site Engineer is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

— Nikhil Saluja

I wisdom dwell with prudence, and find out knowledge of witty inventions.

— Bible

I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.

— Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Animal testing is a terrible idea. They get nervous and give the wrong answers.

— Nikhil Saluja

Being witty was the only side effect of being depressed that was working for me.

— Jessi Klein

You know what's fun? Go to a German restaurant and insist on using chopsticks.

— Nikhil Saluja

I've never felt this way about anyone before. - Every girl, literally every time they like a guy

— Nikhil Saluja

On one thing, at least, men & women both agree: They both distrust women.

— Nikhil Saluja

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

— Psyche_Zeroh

My mom still tells me not to talk to strangers. Im 22 mom, I dont talk to strangers, I sleep with them.

— Azgraybebly Joslan

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

— Nikhil Saluja

#3 pencils and quadrille pads.(when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer )

— Seymour Cray

Sometimes I'll see a girl jogging that's so sexy, I'll jog directly behind her ass until she gets home.

— Nikhil Saluja

It should be perfectly legal to kill people who brag about not owning a TV.

— Anonymous

“If you can't impress them with your argument, impress them with your actions.”

— Amit Kalantri

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

— Anonymous

If you can't say goodbye to your past, then you just can't say hello to your future.

— Nikhil Saluja

Women, somehow, have the same fear of witty men as of fireworks.

— Douglas William Jerrold