I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
