Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed... But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
![“When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed... But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. Before that, I never realized how much I sought other people's approval. Once I figured that out, I was free to move on and seek the approval…” quote by Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/1b0/demetri-martin-511_approval_when-i-dropped-out-from-a-law-school-eve_2671287.jpg)
