I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche. — Dave Attell Copy Share
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a… — Dave Attell Copy Share
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? — Dave Attell Copy Share
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. — Dave Attell Copy Share
Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one… — Dave Attell Copy Share
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again. — Dave Attell Copy Share
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a… — Dave Attell Copy Share
This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician… — Dave Attell Copy Share
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before. — Dave Attell Copy Share
It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on… — Dave Attell Copy Share
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when… — Dave Attell Copy Share
Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big… — Dave Attell Copy Share
