Dry Quote by Elayne Boosler

Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast.…

— Elayne Boosler

I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.

— Elayne Boosler

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter…

— Elayne Boosler

The thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don't have the steam anymore. "Oh, that's it. I can't start shaving my…

— Elayne Boosler

I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

— Elayne Boosler

Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George…

— Elayne Boosler

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for…

— Elayne Boosler

President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.

— Elayne Boosler

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

— Elayne Boosler

I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of…

— Elayne Boosler

There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

— Elayne Boosler

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone…

— Elayne Boosler