Funny Life Quotes
153 quotes by 102 authors
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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
— Lucille Ball
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You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
— Douglas Adams
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I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
— Douglas Adams
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Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
— Dave Barry
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The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.
— John Barrymore
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Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.
— George Ade
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A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
— Yogi Berra
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Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
— Yogi Berra
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A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
— Josh Billings
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
— Erma Bombeck
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One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are…
— Erma Bombeck
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If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
— Erma Bombeck
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There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
— Erma Bombeck
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Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
— Erma Bombeck
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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
— Mel Brooks
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Comedy is tragedy plus time.
— Carol Burnett
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After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'
— William S. Burroughs
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Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
— Truman Capote
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
— Johnny Carson
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Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a…
— Fred Allen
Who Wrote These Funny Life Quotes
102 authors contributed a total of 153 Funny Life Quotes, led by these top contributors: