Best Funny Life Quotations
153 Funny Life quotes by 101 unique authors
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I intend to live forever, or die trying.
— Groucho Marx
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Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
— Groucho Marx
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I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
— Groucho Marx
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The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
— Al McGuire
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I was wise enough to never grow up while fooling most people into believing I had.
— Margaret Mead
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Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it.
— Christopher Morley
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Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.
— Robert Orben
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Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.
— Satchel Paige
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Promises are like crying babies in a theater, they should be carried out at once.
— Norman Vincent Peale
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Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart.
— Ross Perot
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
— Emo Philips
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If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.
— Edgar Allan Poe
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I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
— Andy Rooney
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It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.
— Andy Rooney
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Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.
— Bertrand Russell
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There must be more to life than having everything.
— Maurice Sendak
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Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more…
— Charles M. Schulz
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Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time.
— Charles M. Schulz
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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.
— Charles M. Schulz
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Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
— Jerry Seinfeld
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If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
— George Bernard Shaw
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Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
— George Bernard Shaw
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All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
— Casey Stengel
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My whole life is waiting for the questions to which I have prepared answers.
— Tom Stoppard
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Life is a gamble, at terrible odds - if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
— Tom Stoppard
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Who Wrote These Funny Life Quotes
101 authors contributed a total of 153 Funny Life Quotes, led by these top contributors: