Tom Segura

I don't want to lose weight to live long or be healthy. I just want to be able to make fun of…

— Tom Segura

I would trade 20 white babies for an Asian baby. If I'm ever rich, I want a closet full of Asian babies.…

— Tom Segura

I'm not the nicest guy on stage.

— Tom Segura

I don't like big events and crowded areas. I'm almost a curmudgeonly old man in that aspect. I've been like that forever.

— Tom Segura

You get such a visceral thrill driving a race car. You think you've driven, and then you're like, 'Oh, I was doing…

— Tom Segura

I think being funny was a coping mechanism because I was always the new kid in school.

— Tom Segura

I'm definitely a jaded traveler, but you try to make the best of what you know about the experience. Like, I know…

— Tom Segura

I know there are a lot of comics that put their kids all over social media, but I think it's weird. There…

— Tom Segura

I'll never be a TV writer.

— Tom Segura

Ninety percent of my material is made on stage, but I feel like you're missing something by abandoning sitting down to write…

— Tom Segura

I've always worked toward, and felt comfortable with, you know, pausing and guiding the audience on a longer bit.

— Tom Segura

A lot of times, you land in a city, and you're like, 'This is not my people.' I'm gonna do the show,…

— Tom Segura

Sleep is important for a comic - like it is for a lot of people.

— Tom Segura

The thing for me is that my natural state is to be reserved and not share.

— Tom Segura

Every person learns with time and experience.

— Tom Segura

It's okay for me to make jokes about disabled people and people with horrible diseases because they make me uncomfortable, and I…

— Tom Segura

I used to do much shorter jokes a lot more.

— Tom Segura

When you shoot a special, you have no idea what's going to happen, and the fact that I got to do the…

— Tom Segura

I like my shame straight up and honest, and nobody does it better than In-N-Out Burger. You go to In-N-Out Burger, and…

— Tom Segura

I wasn't the crazy kid bouncing off the walls, I would just sit back a make comments and I made people laugh.

— Tom Segura

Traveling with kids is tough. My best advice is don't do it.

— Tom Segura

Standup is essentially part of your personality with the volume turned up.

— Tom Segura

I could see myself being on a TV show, but I think touring is something I'll always do.

— Tom Segura

People will say, 'What's your favorite part of Cincinnati?' I'm like, 'I was nine, man. I liked recess and having snacks. I…

— Tom Segura

If you're going to wear a cowboy hat, you're going to have to go all the way. You should have livestock around…

— Tom Segura