All Tim Vine Quotes
- People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I… Act
- Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels. Car
- I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down. Book
- Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust. Collecting
- People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All… All
- With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to… Always Tell
- I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze. Bronze
- My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, ‘Don’t be Sicily’. Don T
- Black beauty - he's a dark horse. Beauty
- The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it. Comedy
- So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. Came
- If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac. Called
- For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life. Excessively
- My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped. Cellophane
- One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're… Both
- As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that… Able
- Velcro: what a rip-off. Inspirational
- Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes Eye
- I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. Chimney
- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great,… Bloke
- Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.… Apparently
- So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't… Flexible
- Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And… Cabinet
- I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor. Date
- So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' Got Home