Tim Dorsey

“Your mom's not that bad," said Jim. "Are you trying to make me mad?" "Okay she is." "I knew it. You've never…

— Tim Dorsey

“The last door on the second story was the exception. Fresh gold letters: MAHONEY & ASSOCIATES, PRIVATE INVESTIGATORS. Mahoney sat inside. The…

— Tim Dorsey

Hang on to your dreams with everything you got. Because the best life is when your dreams come true. The second-best is…

— Tim Dorsey

The whole family is a bunch of dangerous freaks...Most are ex-cons or junkies or deranged from inbreeding. Five have died violently, three…

— Tim Dorsey

But instead they tell you they'll come to fix your cable between noon and five, and I say, okay, I'll pay my…

— Tim Dorsey

“I can buy a shotgun any time of day without the slightest background check, but if I need something for my sniffles,…

— Tim Dorsey

“Do you think heaven's like that? Could be worse, said Serge. You know all those pushy people who keep telling us we're…

— Tim Dorsey

“Yes, give us books about the psychotic behavior and peripheral weirdness we see all around every day -- and we will laugh…

— Tim Dorsey

“The television was on Florida Cable News. A gray-haired man behind the anchor desk reported near tragedy at a state motor vehicle…

— Tim Dorsey

“I realize the congressman isn't in. I want you to deliver this message to him personally: Tell him to shut his goddamn…

— Tim Dorsey

A prosthetic leg with a Willie Nelson bumper sticker washed ashore on the beach, which meant it was Florida. Then it got…

— Tim Dorsey

“I smell panic," said Serge. "These are different animals now. They're starting to winnow out the weak at the fringe of the…

— Tim Dorsey

“Serge bowed his own head and closed his eyes "God, please protect us from your followers. Amen”

— Tim Dorsey

“Minimum was valuable to McJagger, first, because he’d sold 42 percent of all the trailers in Vista Isles, getting an average of…

— Tim Dorsey

“There was no Disney World then, just rows of orange trees. Millions of them. Stretching for miles And somewhere near the middle…

— Tim Dorsey

“Rain is the last thing you want when you're chasing someone in Miami. They drive shitty enough as it is, but on…

— Tim Dorsey

“There was no Disney World then, just rows of orange trees. Millions of them. Stretching for miles. And somewhere near the middle…

— Tim Dorsey

“as any roulette player can tell you, past performance has no bearing on future random outcome. So”

— Tim Dorsey

A strip club is one of the few places where two groups voluntarily come together who have such precipitous contrasts in net…

— Tim Dorsey

“Jesus. Why'd you do that?" "That motherfucker slapped me!" "And you just kill him?" "You never motherfuckin' hit a woman!" "How could…

— Tim Dorsey

“Unless the South Beach techno-dance clubs outbid them. They don’t have live bands, just DJs up in a booth. And the DJs…

— Tim Dorsey

But you have to understand, mental illness is like cholesterol. There is is good kind and the bad. Without the good kind-…

— Tim Dorsey

Our political process appears to be a toxic dance of mutually assured destruction that takes all the citizens down with you, and…

— Tim Dorsey

Look forward to the wonderment of growing up, raising a family and driving by the gas station where the popular kids now…

— Tim Dorsey

Almighty Father, please stop making jerks. Amen...Break!

— Tim Dorsey