Tim Dorsey

These are different animals now. They're starting to winnow out the weak at the fringe of the herd. We need to hurry…

— Tim Dorsey

“That, and the untended mental health problems. We have all these insane armed hobos coming from the Midwest, usually Ohio. Fuck Ohio.”

— Tim Dorsey

“Coleman walked to the far bed and clicked on the TV. “It’s Nancy Grace.” “America’s screech owl.”

— Tim Dorsey

“Back at the Rash [a Florida nightclub], a waif in a lime latex body tube went into the rest room to snort…

— Tim Dorsey

“Belong to a religion? Doesn't bother me if you do, as long as it's not one that says to stop thinking and…

— Tim Dorsey

“I've been like everywhere And we went to a bunch of different places and got really stoned Then we wnet to another…

— Tim Dorsey

It's only socialism if the money goes down, not up.

— Tim Dorsey

“Those are the Big Three: clipboards, orange cones, elf suits. People don’t question”

— Tim Dorsey

“It would have been the middle of nowhere if it had been closer to other places.”

— Tim Dorsey

Don't make fun of people who are different. Unless they have more money and influence. Then you must

— Tim Dorsey

“An ax came through the door. Then two firefighters. They looked down at and assistant mall manager crying and wearing a melted…

— Tim Dorsey

Always walk away from a fight. Then ambush.

— Tim Dorsey

“What do they mean 'serial killers'! said Serge. (person 1), okay. But (person 2) was self-defence and the (person 3)-I mean, that…

— Tim Dorsey

“I'm getting a diamond-hard boner just thinking about it.”

— Tim Dorsey

“That’s life in general: Can’t let jerks dictate your emotions.”

— Tim Dorsey

“Florida Cable News. A gray-haired man behind the anchor desk reported near tragedy at a state motor vehicle office, where a man…

— Tim Dorsey

“[Those] on fixed incomes are the nation's math elite.”

— Tim Dorsey

Relieve stress through hysterical screaming.

— Tim Dorsey

Murder is such a charged word. You know how some people fixate and won't let things go? They're called cops.

— Tim Dorsey

There, I'm an artist. Thousands of women on ecstasy now want to have three-ways with me.

— Tim Dorsey

Nothing builds confidence like live ammo.

— Tim Dorsey

“First, they set the hook with mind-bending kinky shit. Then a year later you're living in a Talking Heads song, dressed like…

— Tim Dorsey

“Serge's attention-deficit disorder was the first of many hyphens. Obsessive-compulsive, manic-depressive, anal-retentive, paranoid-schizophrenic. He was believed to be the only self-inflicted case…

— Tim Dorsey

My problem is with the warped value system our culture has. Why is it that if you knife a woman in a…

— Tim Dorsey

“From the breezy doorway. “Serge!” He turned around. “Skid Marks! Bacon Strips!” Two more stools.”

— Tim Dorsey