“but there I was, trying to fit the ocean into a plastic cup as it tossed and turned me in its waves.” — Samantha Irby Ocean Copy Share Image
“48. Try to think positively. Can’t. Everything is garbage. 49. Stop talking (so much) shit. See above.” — Samantha Irby Stop talking Copy Share Image
“I am a negative person by nature, and I typically shy away from anything that requires me to be having visible fun.” — Samantha Irby Humorous-quotes Copy Share Image
“I wasn’t sure how to appropriately eulogize a dude who had once punched me in the face for washing the dishes wrong,” — Samantha Irby Punched Face Copy Share Image
“Carnivore in the streets, person-who-has-eaten-a-carrot-masquerading-as-a-hot-dog in the sheets.” — Samantha Irby Carnivore Copy Share Image
“want to eat room-temperature soup while watching entire seasons of The Real Housewives of New York, free of questions like “Who is… — Samantha Irby Housewives Copy Share Image
“You know, what I really need is someone who remembers to rotate this meaty pre-corpse toward the sun every couple of days… — Samantha Irby Money Copy Share Image
“do so much shit I don’t want anyone else to see, or know about, that I never want to have to explain… — Samantha Irby Shower Copy Share Image
“The Bachelorette proves that men are as petty and vapid and ridiculous as women are made to seem. They’re just better at… — Samantha Irby Real men Copy Share Image
“Real love feels less like a throbbing, pulsing animal begging for its freedom and beating against the inside of my chest and… — Samantha Irby Dining room Copy Share Image
“Fuck a budget. I grew up poor and now I have money, so I’m going to spend it on Chanel nail polishes.… — Samantha Irby Budget Copy Share Image
“A lot of us are living like this, right? Taking cabs and ordering takeout Thai on payday, then walking the three blocks… — Samantha Irby Payday Copy Share Image
“I learned how to operate under both the physical and emotional weight of unrelenting shame very early. Fat babies are adorable, while… — Samantha Irby Youth Copy Share Image
“have never—and I mean ever—had a real desire to let otherwise-unaccounted-for money just chill in my bank account unmolested for more than… — Samantha Irby Bank account Copy Share Image
“Fifty out of the 168 hours of my week are spent mad because work is interfering with all the Internet articles I’m… — Samantha Irby Internet Copy Share Image
“Oh, here’s something fun—I don’t care what diet you’re on or what herbal supplements you take. If they work for you, I’m… — Samantha Irby Health Copy Share Image
“My alarm goes off at 5:50 a.m. First thing I do is check to make sure I'm not dead. If I am,… — Samantha Irby Alarm Copy Share Image
“It's so weird that adults in committed relationships have a problem with something so innocuous as flirting. I would never expect you… — Samantha Irby Fidelity Copy Share Image
“many ratty Kmart bras I needed to replace with ones that could actually hold my tits up; so many albums with actual… — Samantha Irby Friendship Copy Share Image
“but if we’re being 100 percent honest with each other, I really can’t commit to anything once a month. I don’t even… — Samantha Irby Honest Copy Share Image
“Before their eventual divorce I was spoiled and coddled and feted and fed Frosted Flakes in front of the television like King… — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“I'm not bitter, I survived a liar. I'm not bitter, I weathered a cheater. I'm not bitter, I sustained a massive injury… — Samantha Irby Bloody Muscle Copy Share Image
“No one ever tells attractive children how much they suck, and then the rest of us get stuck with insufferable, narcissistic adults… — Samantha Irby Children Copy Share Image
“I feel my sexiness is a thing that creeps up on you, like mold on a loaf of corner-store bread you thought… — Samantha Irby Sexiness Copy Share Image
“But I was 22 when I started this job, and you know what? Sometimes it really is okay to just have a… — Samantha Irby Career Copy Share Image
“I was trying to fill this gaping hole inside me with “stuff I couldn’t have when I was a little kid,” and… — Samantha Irby Foods Feel Copy Share Image
“You need to know all this stuff, of course, because some of these new moms will lose their impacted shit on you… — Samantha Irby Children Copy Share Image
“Not being able to deal with your life is humiliating. It makes you feel weak. And if you’re African-American and female, not… — Samantha Irby Life Copy Share Image
“Maybe in life you get all kinds of soulmates. Multiple people who vibrate at the same level you do. I think that's… — Samantha Irby Breakups Copy Share Image
“But I’m going to need you to love me on the bus, dude. And first thing in the morning. Also, when I’m… — Samantha Irby Grocery shopping Copy Share Image
“Real love feels less like a throbbing, pulsing animal begging for its freedom and beating against the inside of my chest and… — Samantha Irby Dining room Copy Share Image
