Quote by Samantha Irby

“do so much shit I don’t want anyone else to see, or know about, that I never want to have to explain to another human being. And I want to keep doing them. I enjoy listening to the Young Turks really loud in the bathroom while I take a long shower, then” quote by Samantha Irby — Download Open image

““do so much shit I don’t want anyone else to see, or know about, that I never want to have to explain to another human being. And I want to keep doing them. I enjoy listening to the Young Turks really loud in the bathroom while I take a long shower, then””

Samantha Irby

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“but there I was, trying to fit the ocean into a plastic cup as it tossed and turned me in its waves.”

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“Favorite food? Brunch and tacos.”

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“A lot of us are living like this, right? Taking cabs and ordering takeout Thai on payday, then walking the three blocks to work…

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“48. Try to think positively. Can’t. Everything is garbage. 49. Stop talking (so much) shit. See above.”

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“Real love feels less like a throbbing, pulsing animal begging for its freedom and beating against the inside of my chest and more like,…

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“You know, what I really need is someone who remembers to rotate this meaty pre-corpse toward the sun every couple of days and tries…

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“have never—and I mean ever—had a real desire to let otherwise-unaccounted-for money just chill in my bank account unmolested for more than maybe a week and a half. I barely have the willpower to leave other people’s money alone for the short time it’s in my custody. Money that isn’t earmarked for some pressing (transportation/pharmaceutical/credit card balance) need?! Why, yes,…

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“It's so weird that adults in committed relationships have a problem with something so innocuous as flirting. I would never expect you to walk around with a paper bag over your head to avoid catching the eye of a stranger, nor would I discourage you making friendly conversation with whomever you might encounter during the day. And if you needed…

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“I am a negative person by nature, and I typically shy away from anything that requires me to be having visible fun.”

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“The Bachelorette proves that men are as petty and vapid and ridiculous as women are made to seem. They’re just better at hiding it,…

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“Fuck a budget. I grew up poor and now I have money, so I’m going to spend it on Chanel nail polishes. I don’t know how you can possibly have joy in your life when you do shit like “balance your checkbook” or “pay your minimum balance on time,” and if doing those awful-sounding things means I can’t see four…

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“My alarm goes off at 5:50 a.m. First thing I do is check to make sure I'm not dead. If I am, in fact, still alive, I usually sob uncontrollably until there's nothing left in my tear ducts but salt dust, then grope blindly through my apartment to the bathroom, where I say a little prayer for a hole to…

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