Robert Schimmel Quotes

23 quotes in 466 categories

• Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.
• What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say,…
• So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: 'You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation.' Yeah, does it…
• Caution: Anal intercourse may lead to irregular heart rhythms. Yeah, you know I'm never gonna have to worry about that. Because God gave me a…
• One of my friends goes: 'So, you know what really turns me on; when girls talk dirty in bed.' Yeah I tried that with my…
• What is it with the animals with the bikes? I took my daughter to the circus. She said: 'Daddy, how do they teach a bear…
• So because of my act my daughter thinks she can talk to me about anything. She's been dating the same guy since high school and…
• I sit down with my daughter and I said, 'Do you know how babies get here?' And she said, 'Well, the lady has an egg…
• It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career…
• I was making love one night with my wife and she said: 'You're in me.' I know where I am, shut the fuck up.
• Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was…
• I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.
• I asked my wife to try anal sex. She said, 'Sure. You first.'
• When it comes to my wife and blowjobs, my dicks in the Witness Protection Program. 'Dick? I dont know nobody named Dick.'
• They do sell a lot of weird things in sex shops. They have this stuff called Mr. Big Cream. It says, 'Rub it on your…
• My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who…
• A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and…
• You know what's weird about plane crashes is that you watch it on the news and they say the people have to be identified by…
• I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra…
• I took my kid to the circus. 'How do they teach a bear how to ride a bike?' 'It's easy, honey, they nail his feet…

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