Best Milton Berle Quotations
- My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here? Buy
- My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce. Christmas
- One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along? Along
- Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less. Christmas
- Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs. Bulbs
- She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it. Car
- Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide. Blanks
- The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand. Careful
- There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list. Buy
- They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones. Aluminum
- This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!" Boo
- War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss. Attached
- Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places. Buy
- Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold… Angeles
- Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. Committee
- A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Always Forgives
- The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. Book
- My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it? Big
- Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list Billion
- I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids! Earth
- A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I… Answers
- The best ears of our lives. Best
- A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap,… Answers
- If opportunity dosen't knock,build a door. Build