“The perfect vehicle to take to the moon would be a two-door Saturn with a sunroof.” — Jarod Kintz Space Copy Share Image
“I postulate that there is something stickier than semen. That substance is love.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead.” — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“You can’t be the best all the time. But that’s what clones are for—to be you while you sleep.” — Jarod Kintz Best time Copy Share Image
“Somebody tell Uncle Sam the ultimate stimulus package is a bottle of Viagra.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m different than other men in that I’m indifferent to the ins and outs of concave and convex relationships. I feel that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my penis gets enough water, could my erection grow long and straight like a pine tree? Come over next Tuesday to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to reaffirm your faith in God, though I’d suggest using something a little firmer, like a brick. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to conserve energy expenditure by reducing our air intake. Save lives by saving your I love yous and holding your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In Bougainville, the only flower that grows is the Bougainvillea. In Gainesville, the only thing that ever gets lost are gains. In… — Jarod Kintz Gardening Copy Share Image
“I’ve always wanted to make love to a triangle, but I’m always two angles short. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“I would eat my soup in silence, but it’s alphabet soup. They’re all capital letters and they are shouting at me. I’m… — Jarod Kintz Alphabet soup Copy Share Image
“I was alone in that room. Of course, there were bodies all around, but they were all dead. They were dead when… — Jarod Kintz Solitude Copy Share Image
“I want to price my next book and adjust it for the coming hyperinflation. So instead of the normal one dollar price,… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“A female cop in my dream observes a shuffle, and takes note, but doesn’t fully see the bank robbery I have just… — Jarod Kintz Bank robbery Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to store valuable information that will keep future generations warm overnight. And just so you know, it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wouldn’t mind politicians lying to me, stealing from me, or senselessly making life difficult if they didn’t try to claim they… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On second thought, maybe “Penis on a Stick Ice Cream Parlor” is not such a good name for a business—even an ice… — Jarod Kintz Day care Copy Share Image
“If you asked me if I’d rather make love to you, or have my balls cut out with the spine of a… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Dating is all about getting to know somebody, without wasting a lot of time or money. What is the price of love?… — Jarod Kintz Assembly line Copy Share Image
“Apple is the Ferrari of the computer world. I’m not sure if the “engine” is superior, however, but the frame sure is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You looked so beautiful that I felt compelled to say something. So I said, “The fish… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I called my father, but he pretended to be sleeping at first, then claimed not to know me, and then claimed I… — Jarod Kintz Middle of the night Copy Share Image
“Love walked in the door like a dusty cowboy, and I looked that cowboy dead in his eyes and said, “I thought… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dear Mr. Peacock, I miss your plumage, and I’m flummoxed by your plummeting desire to be desired. You’re like an albino in… — Jarod Kintz Dwell on the past Copy Share Image
“Through the miracle of science, or divine intervention, a brick could be made soft, like Jell-O, and a blanket could be made… — Jarod Kintz Divine intervention Copy Share Image
“This book has nothing to do with cats. Or mice. Or self-motivation. This book is 100% 50% finished. But don’t worry, I… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
