“After about eight hours, I lose my focus and all of the sudden I find myself not being able to sleep at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m so silent I can hardly hear myself think. But that’s why I bought the scissors and the condom.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a trophy at your company’s annual award ceremony. It’s a way to save money while making… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An author named Arthur Arthurson would write about art, love, and road kill in Kenya. And I’d read him because I’m a… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to tell you I love you. You know I do. And I’m not just saying that because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather own something that’s worth millions to nobody, than something that’s worth nothing to millions.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a substitute for the steak my mother-in-law just cooked me. And I asked for medium rare.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Why send roses? Wouldn’t it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For only $19.95, I’ll deliver them to your woman… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know sex sells. I also know gametes are sex cells. Her and I had chemistry together, and that’s just biology.” — Jarod Kintz Sex sells Copy Share Image
“Everything I learned in school, mixed together with water and chicken broth, isn’t worth the soup served at a soup kitchen. I… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“A smile is like a simile, if you have a mouth like a metaphor. That would make for like the best kiss… — Jarod Kintz Kiss Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to sell a blanket, in a buy one get one free situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Four bricks could be affixed under a skateboard and used as really inefficient wheels. Ha! Let’s see Tony Hawk do tricks on… — Jarod Kintz Skateboard Copy Share Image
“Her message was short: “Any kids?” So I wrote, “Sure. But it might take me a few tries to get you pregnant.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Did you know you can drink food? It’s true! It’s called soup, and I eat it with a fork. I’m as efficient… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“My chameleon fingertips feel sticky, furry, rough, or any number of things, depending on what I’m touching at the time.” — Jarod Kintz Chameleon Copy Share Image
“There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“During the murder investigation, the cop said, I only have one question for you. Before she could ask it, I replied, Yes,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“The Road To Serfdom is about capitalism. That’s why on the side of that road you’ll find me, in a kiosk, selling… — Jarod Kintz Capitalism Copy Share Image
“I sure wish deodorant tasted like butter, because then I could keep mashed potatoes warm and tasty in my armpits all day… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I cling to our love like saran wrap on leftovers. If you want to know when dinner will be ready, the answer… — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.” — Jarod Kintz Customer Copy Share Image
“There should be a language called Nail, so I could more naturally say, “My nail is a bit rusty.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In my closet I have boxes and boxes of secrets. These boxes are all empty, and that’s how you know they’re filled… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in the back part of a director’s last name, to make an epic space odyssey. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Of all the things God created, from sunrises and rainbows, to black holes and humor, cats are the most fascinating to me. ” — Jarod Kintz Black hole Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to block out the pain, if you use it to first inflict pain and carry it through… — Jarod Kintz Pain Copy Share Image
“I got into a car accident. My car was so damaged it changed from white to a purple bruise color.” — Jarod Kintz Accident Copy Share Image
“I’m winning over fans every day. They’re not my fans, but at least they’re losing and I’m winning.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to understand Understanding. At least I think so. The process is complicated, and really hard to understand. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were in Steve Prefontaine’s shoes, I’d have done the same thing he did. Except for all that running. I wouldn’t… — Jarod Kintz Running Copy Share Image
“The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a woman named Ms. Silver won a gold medal, she’d probably be a little disappointed she didn’t place second. My love… — Jarod Kintz Gold medal Copy Share Image
“The lawyer said he couldn’t take my case, even though I assured him it was stuffed with money.” — Jarod Kintz Lawyer Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used instead of a blindfold when kidnapping someone. And the trunk of your car could be rented out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Yesterday was my last day at work. My coworkers were so sad they all pitched in and bought me a one-way ticket… — Jarod Kintz Last day Copy Share Image
“It’s a new subject to me, and I’m just starting to get confused. The middle is the muddle, and the end is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On average, women are better liars than men. But the best liars are men, because politicians are still predominantly men. ” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
