“Question for your life: If we were to kiss passionately for 30 minutes, would you refill my oxygen tank in the process?” — Jarod Kintz Kiss Copy Share Image
“If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I can take care of myself, but I can’t take care of myself and a child. I’ve decided to give myself up… — Jarod Kintz Adoption Copy Share Image
“What do I do for fun? Well, I’d love to get into the bank robbing business, but government work is not for… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. With you not being there I notice your unbeing, with you still being a being in time… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a gesture, I don’t think it would be a gyrating pelvis. But then again, I could be wrong, as… — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“Brick could be the codename for Rick B. But why the need for secrecy? If I told you I’d have to blanket… — Jarod Kintz Secrecy Copy Share Image
“I’m feeling a little under the weather. But once I open my umbrella, I’m sure I’ll begin to feel better.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to sign a treaty with a cripple that will be both valid and, like the owner of the other signature,… — Jarod Kintz Treaty Copy Share Image
“I don’t like the term “Average Joe.” I prefer “Dolly,” because not only is the Everyman a sheep, but he’s also a… — Jarod Kintz Average joe Copy Share Image
“An apple’s core principle it to not get eaten. And who wants to eat the core of an apple anyway?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my skin wasn’t flesh, but was tinfoil, I’d probably not only be left-handed, but I’d be a leftover. I guess the… — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“I like spending time with my family. And if you have the same last name as me, we might be family. I’m… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“Give people a little, and they’ll want a lot. Give them a lot, and they’ll only want a little.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You could empty the trash and my love for you still wouldn’t fit inside. But just because it won’t fit, doesn’t mean… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“His last name was Worthless. Or was that just the perfect word to describe him? Shouldn’t our names summarize who we are?… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Instead of a motorcycle gang, I’m thinking of starting up a unicycle gang. We’ll be hell on wheel. (My first recruit will… — Jarod Kintz Motorcycle Copy Share Image
“Black clothing makes me look skinnier. If I wear all black at night, and turn out the lights, I look so skinny… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a corn-dog popsicle, and I’m on the Most Wanted list. Unfortunately it’s by the government, specifically the FDA, and… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I saw my hero. He was standing at the urinal next to mine. I didn’t know what to say, so I said,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to help me with the love and affection of Taylor Swift. If that sounds unbelievable, then try… — Jarod Kintz Affection Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to prop open the door to my heart. But you might not want to leave the Love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On Knowledge: You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me… — Jarod Kintz Management Copy Share Image
“Sell canoes to those who are enduring a drought, and sell sunscreen to those suffering from flooding. But give love freely to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If a billowy white cloud exploded, that’d be close to what my love looks like. The only difference is my love has… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My advice is to write in the nude. Unless you do your writing in a public restroom, and in that case, I’d… — Jarod Kintz Flip flops Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to wipe away my tears. But it’d better be a blanket the size of America, because I’ve… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to settle disputes. Hold my penis while I demonstrate how it would work. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Based solely on the mustache, who would you rather be: Mark Twain, Rollie Fingers, or Frida Kahlo?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People always say I have hands as large as the Roman Empire. I guess it just goes with the territory. Romance, it’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break),… — Jarod Kintz Forgetting Copy Share Image
“I don’t know the man standing next to me in the mirror. He looks like me, so is he my clone? He… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“The first door in the hall leads to youth, the second door leads to middle age, and the third door leads to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people work in the medical field, others in the legal field, while I work in the green field. Except in winter,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Let the best of your competition take out the rest of your competition, while you rest and then take out only that… — Jarod Kintz Competition Copy Share Image
“I have thin lips, like two rose petals on top of each other, and I would say I have a Roman nose,… — Jarod Kintz Latin Copy Share Image
