People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. — Erma Bombeck Funny life Copy Share Image
I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I… — Erma Bombeck Christian thanksgiving Copy Share Image
When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys. — Erma Bombeck Adolescence Copy Share Image
I didn't fear old age. I was just becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the only people who said old age… — Erma Bombeck Age Copy Share Image
If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney. — Erma Bombeck Attorney Copy Share Image
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an… — Erma Bombeck Air travel Copy Share Image
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
I read one psychologist's theory that said, "Never strike a child in your anger." When could I strike him? When he is… — Erma Bombeck Anger Copy Share Image
Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you… — Erma Bombeck Children Copy Share Image
Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you… — Erma Bombeck Body Copy Share Image
I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to… — Erma Bombeck Before and after Copy Share Image
Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the… — Erma Bombeck Absence Copy Share Image
Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar. — Erma Bombeck Kids Copy Share Image
One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? — Erma Bombeck Carousel Copy Share Image
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. — Erma Bombeck Affair Copy Share Image
It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists… — Erma Bombeck Cooking Copy Share Image
The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods,… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a… — Erma Bombeck Children Copy Share Image
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer… — Erma Bombeck Book Copy Share Image
Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Our teen-agers withdrew to their bedrooms on their thirteenth birthday and didn't show themselves to us again until it was time to… — Erma Bombeck Adolescence Copy Share Image
I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to… — Erma Bombeck College Copy Share Image
What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give. — Erma Bombeck Giving Copy Share Image
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it… — Erma Bombeck Clothes Copy Share Image
Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. — Erma Bombeck Birthday Copy Share Image
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18… — Erma Bombeck Children Copy Share Image
Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born. — Erma Bombeck Birth Copy Share Image
If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
