Funny Quotes by Erma Bombeck

Do I have to use my own money?

— Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

— Erma Bombeck

No One Diets on Thanksgiving.

— Erma Bombeck

She's as funny as a toothache

— Erma Bombeck

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

— Erma Bombeck

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

— Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.

— Erma Bombeck

Success is outliving your failures

— Erma Bombeck

Skiing: I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill

— Erma Bombeck

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

— Erma Bombeck

Dont confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

— Erma Bombeck

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

— Erma Bombeck

One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day…

— Erma Bombeck

Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.

— Erma Bombeck

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

— Erma Bombeck

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

— Erma Bombeck

Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden.…

— Erma Bombeck

The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little…

— Erma Bombeck

All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods,…

— Erma Bombeck

We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended.…

— Erma Bombeck

I've always been intrigued with the variety of answers this generation will give their children who ask, "Where did I come from,…

— Erma Bombeck

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

— Erma Bombeck

If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who…

— Erma Bombeck

For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then…

— Erma Bombeck

Not everyone is comfortable with the kissing ritual. My husband is one of them. Her refuses to press lips with anyone except…

— Erma Bombeck

The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours…

— Erma Bombeck

People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually,…

— Erma Bombeck

Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We…

— Erma Bombeck

I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an…

— Erma Bombeck

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours…

— Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

— Erma Bombeck

Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.

— Erma Bombeck

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license…

— Erma Bombeck

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

— Erma Bombeck

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

— Erma Bombeck

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

— Erma Bombeck

It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.

— Erma Bombeck

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriendand he's a priest.

— Erma Bombeck

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs…

— Erma Bombeck

Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human…

— Erma Bombeck