Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. — Erma Bombeck Brain dead Copy Share Image
Kitchen wisdom: Count your blessings but count your calories too. — Erma Bombeck Blessings Copy Share Image
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. — Erma Bombeck Dream Copy Share Image
Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus. — Erma Bombeck Air travel Copy Share Image
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals. — Erma Bombeck Animal Copy Share Image
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. — Erma Bombeck Affair Copy Share Image
The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar. — Erma Bombeck Kids Copy Share Image
One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? — Erma Bombeck Carousel Copy Share Image
The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists… — Erma Bombeck Cooking Copy Share Image
It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Myths that need clarification: Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach. False. The only people who live on California beaches… — Erma Bombeck Arizona Copy Share Image
Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Grandmas can shed the yoke of responsibility, relax and enjoy their grandchildren in a way that was not possible when they were… — Erma Bombeck Children Copy Share Image
Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons,… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding… — Erma Bombeck About family Copy Share Image
For some unexplained reason, it's always the other end of the table that's wild and raucous, with screaming laughter and a fella… — Erma Bombeck Comedy Copy Share Image
There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ... Time, self-pity, apathy, bitterness,… — Erma Bombeck Apathy Copy Share Image
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. — Erma Bombeck Baseball Copy Share Image
Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth! — Erma Bombeck Food Copy Share Image
I originate from a family where sauce is viewed as a refreshment. — Erma Bombeck Family Copy Share Image
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean. — Erma Bombeck American football Copy Share Image
The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer… — Erma Bombeck Book Copy Share Image
Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods,… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a… — Erma Bombeck Children Copy Share Image
What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I… — Erma Bombeck Christian thanksgiving Copy Share Image
When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys. — Erma Bombeck Adolescence Copy Share Image
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. — Erma Bombeck Funny life Copy Share Image
