Elayne Boosler Quotes

80 quotes in 1175 categories

• I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how…
• When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
• I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
• I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit…
• The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
• When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
• My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.
• Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
• I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
• My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
• You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.
• I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that…
• Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.
• To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.
• I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.
• I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
• Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?
• As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.
• Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.
• Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two.

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