I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
