Self Quotes by W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

— W. C. Fields

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

— W. C. Fields

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

— W. C. Fields

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

— W. C. Fields

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

— W. C. Fields

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake…

— W. C. Fields

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

— W. C. Fields

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

— W. C. Fields

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

— W. C. Fields

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

— W. C. Fields

All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.

— W. C. Fields

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

— W. C. Fields