I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.' Number two: 'We have medication for this.' And number three: 'It… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I go 'what is it?' And she goes 'we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!' Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
